Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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