So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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