Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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