Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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