there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
