Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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