some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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