Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
