I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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