Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
my being single is dangerous.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize
