You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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