I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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