Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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