Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
