some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
