I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
