WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
