my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
