Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
We are all done wearing pants today
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
