apparently the secret to your success is patron
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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