Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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