She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
