I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm just crazy horny about you
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
