bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
