allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
