woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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