Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
