I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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