Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
