My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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