I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Welp...herpes.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
