Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
