it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
