In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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