She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
