evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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