this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You are a genius and a whore.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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