I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
