Already got asked if we're dating
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
