Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
