Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
