awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
