I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
