True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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