how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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