I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
