I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
