I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
