Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
