Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Hippo gnu deer
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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