worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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