Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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