So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
