Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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