shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
