BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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