Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
