omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
