At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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