i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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