I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
