she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Of course I have a pirate flag
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
This toilet bowl is my home.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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