Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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